WANTED: Minister for local church

“Must have experience as shepherd, CEO, office manager, educator, salesman, diplomat, referee, writer, theologian, politician, motivational speaker, Boy Scout leader, psychologist, social worker, funeral director, wedding consultant, master of ceremonies, church planter, missionary. Helpful but not essential: landscape manager, interior decorator, musician, minor league athlete, stand-up comedian.

Should have answers to life’s tough questions about suffering, dying, God’s sovereignty. Must hold firm convictions on every topic, but not allowed to ruffle anyone’s feathers. Must think as deeply as C.S. Lewis, preach as passionately as C.H. Spurgeon, listen as sensitively as James Dobson.

Sweet disposition required at all times, even when attacked or simply having a bad day. Must have wisdom and experience of age but energy and glow of youth. Required to attend every potluck dinner, yet remain slim. Twenty-four-hour-a-day availability a must (cellphone provided). Must spend quality time with family.

Applicant’s wife must be both stunning and plain, quiet yet outgoing. She should keep home immaculate but be available to teach Sunday school, organize socials, and disciple women. Applicant’s children must be exemplary in conduct and character, yet no different from other kids; dressed decently.

Salary NOT commensurate with experience or need; no overtime pay; frequent criticism. Non-smoking, non-dancing, non-moving –viewing environment. An equal opportunity employer.”*

*Adapted from “Minister Wanted,” in Kethiv Qere (Dallas Theological Seminary) March, 26, 1975